Sometimes it’s as easy to fall out of love as it is to fall head over heels, but marriage counsellors are ready to help reignite that spark.
When the tides have turned and couples find themselves disconnected from one another and unsure what to do, counselling is often suggested. However, some people are afraid to take that step.
Ashley Dreger is a licensed counsellor in Okotoks specializing in couples and marriage counselling for the past four years. She said it’s easier to reconnect as a couple if people come in as soon as the disconnection is felt.
“If you wait to the point where you’re already really angry with each other, then you need to break all those walls down first,” said Dreger. “Usually the ideal is if you can seek counselling when you start to feel that disconnect, like when you start to feel irritated more by your spouse’s ridiculous things they do.”
She said that could include something as simple as a spouse leaving shoes in the hallway, a small annoyance that suddenly sparks anger or severe irritation. Being irritated with those little behaviours or idiosyncrasies can signal things are going downhill and it’s time to talk about the relationship, she said.
When a couple decides to take the plunge, she said they’re eased into the process. The first session is about getting to know one another, allowing her to see what’s going on, and getting issues out in the open.
“Sometimes we’ll break the first session up so you speak to each individual separately just to let them talk,” said Dreger. “Sometimes we wait for the second session, but it’s usually always done.”
She said the first session always ends with the same question: “What brought you together?”
It ignites memories and makes couples think about why they got married in the first place, she said.
“It’s remembering why they got married, why they loved this person, or love this person, why they want to be in the relationship, because there’s a reason,” said Dreger. “You don’t marry someone just because you find them – you love them.”
Just how long counselling continues for depends solely on the couple, the issues, and the amount of work each individual is willing to put into the relationship, she said. That includes opening up during sessions but also putting in the effort at home.
Couples are given exercises at the end of each session, such as sending each other messages of appreciation every day, or being cognizant of communication and making quality time for each other – whether that’s three minutes after work or a date night, she said.
“The hour with me isn’t going to fix the relationship, you have to be willing to do the work at home, it really comes down to that,” said Dreger.
She said the reasons couples seek counselling tend to vary depending on children and their home situation. While most couples with children under seven are fighting about division of time, those with older children tend to be arguing about money – a very common theme with the state of the economy, she said.
Most people come in with a general sense of not feeling connected to their partner, she said, which can be stressful and heartbreaking.
Sometimes, despite her best efforts – and theirs – a relationship may have regressed too far to be saved, she said.
“Quite often somebody has already decided to end the relationship, and this is the last ditch effort to save it,” said Dreger. “That doesn’t necessarily work, because if they’ve already decided, they’re already done, they’ve already got a foot out, they’re looking outside the relationship. It’s very rare you can come back from that.”
She said the best thing couples can do for their relationships is recognize the issues early enough for counselling to have an effect. There’s no need to be afraid to open up, she said.
“Give it a try, it’s really just an hour, right?” said Dreger. “If you feel like you need a little bit of help, sometimes it is just an hour, sometimes you just need a point in the right direction. It’s worth a shot.”
Okotoks-based therapist Gary Chernecki also specializes in couples and marriage counselling. He said in most cases, couples are in distress by the time they come to his office, and the therapist’s job then becomes what he calls, “mop-up.”
“In most cases, counsellors try to mop up the mess because things have gone on too long,” said Chernecki.
He said the main goal is to develop communication and negotiation skills between partners, and break the pattern of arguing. That won’t happen with every session or every therapist, he said.
“They call it rapport in counselling,” said Chernecki. “You have to have a connection with the client.”
He recommends people find a counsellor both parties are comfortable with, and not settle with the first name they find on the Internet. It’s important to the process that couples feel confident in their therapist, he said.
“That may mean seeing a counsellor and then firing them,” said Chernecki. “‘It doesn’t feel right, thank you, good-bye.’”
He encourages people to call counsellors and do telephone consultations to inquire about their approach and success rates, and get a feel for how the sessions might work.
It’s all about people feeling comfortable while they open themselves up to solve serious issues, he said.
“You’re playing with people’s lives,” said Chernecki. “People come in on the brink of divorce and going to counselling is pretty risky. There’s a lot at stake, so people are going to feel anxious and they need someone who puts them at ease.”
