Since 1982, the English Department of San Jose State University in California has annually challenged fiction writers around the globe to compose the opening sentence to “the worst of all possible novels.”
It is a whimsical literary competition that honours the memory of Sir Edward George Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), whose hilariously awful opening sentence of his 1830 novel Paul Clifford began with the immortal words, “It was a dark and stormy night.”
According to the contest’s web site – www.bulwer-lytton.com – every year the grand prize winner receives, “in keeping with the gravitas, high seriousness and general bignitude of the contest, a cheap certificate (and bragging rights).”
Over time, the number of entries has grown so large that the contest is now divided into 11 subcategories ranging from science fiction to vile puns.
This year, Canadians Owen Roherty of Port Colborne, Ontario and Judd Hampton of Grimshaw, Alberta dominated the Dark & Stormy category, with Roherty winning for
“It was a dark and stormy night, or more specifically, a Tuesday afternoon in Ireland.”
Hampton received a ‘dishonourable mention’ for “It was a dark and stormy roast; the baristas filled the cups in black torrents — except at occasional intervals when customers asked for non-fat milk (for it is Starbucks where our scene lies) or perhaps pumpkin spice, their faces puckered at the bitterness, the inflated prices and the unspoken obligation to tip.”
Other Canadians honourees included A. R. Templeton of Stratford, Ontario, who won the Vile Puns award for "I do enjoy turning a prophet," said Torquemada, as he roasted the heretic seer on a spit,” and Art Ellis of Ottawa, who received a dishonourable mention in the Purple Prose category for “Vera Windrush, ever the romantic, looked at the sea foam washed up on the shore, and imagined the life of some giant, seafaring marshmallow tragically cut short after being rammed by a Pacific Princess cruise liner.”
Bulwer-Lytton deserves a better fate than to be remembered for what was likely just an unfortunate (albeit prolonged) slip of the pen. He was more widely read in his time than Charles Dickens, also authored the acclaimed novel The Last Days of Pompeii and coined the phrase, “The pen is mightier than the sword.”
By the way, the grand prize in this year’s contest went to Lawrence Person of Austin, Texas who wrote: “She had a body that reached out and slapped my face like a five-pound ham-hock tossed from a speeding truck.”
In my opinion, however, this doesn’t quite measure up to last year’s winning entry from Maya Pasic of New York City, who wrote: “She was a beautiful woman; more specifically she was the kind of beautiful woman who had an hour-long skincare routine that made her look either ethereal or like a glazed donut, depending on how attracted to her you were.”
May you have a smile on your face throughout the holiday season and enjoy a happy and prosperous 2025.
